


Diagnosis: Lovesickness

by CrimesOfADeadpool



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel 616, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spiderman - Fandom
Genre: Also revealing scarred face scene, Based on a Vocaloid Song, Bit of unhealthy attraction to a mercenary on Spidey's part, Deadpool contemplates shooting self, Deadpool obsession, First Kiss, Fluffy, Geez, HoneyWorks, Like Lots, M/M, Rooftops, Scarring, Songfic, bit of unhealthy obsession on Deadpools part, lots of meetings on roofs, of course, self-hate, slightly angsty, though it would've been a lot easier if I'd cut out the scarring, three or four of them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-01-26 11:10:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1686230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimesOfADeadpool/pseuds/CrimesOfADeadpool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> Deadpool waved his hand. “It’s fine. It’s like the voices say. Everybody hates me.”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>“I don’t … hate you.” Spidey said in an exasperated voice.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Deadpool perked up and leant over. “Ooh~. Is that a confession of love? Let’s run away together Spidey.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diagnosis: Lovesickness

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [诊断：相思病](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4289007) by [CrimesOfADeadpool](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimesOfADeadpool/pseuds/CrimesOfADeadpool), [Mcparachute](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mcparachute/pseuds/Mcparachute)



> Based on HoneyWork’s “Diagnosis:Lovesickness”. Because I’m having fun using Japanese Vocaloid songs as prompts. I used the translation from here : (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11yuuZSYSew)  
> Besides chasing a sick Peter around with a giant syringe is so completely Deadpool. (Seriously though, watch the video and imagine Deadpool in the girl’s place, it totally works)
> 
> Yay, I got to do a lot of fun stuff in this fic. Unfortunately, it turned out a bit more... messy than I wanted it to be. I don't know, I don't like the flow. I may have to go over this. And this was supposed to be as lighthearted as the song, but I ended up adding a bit of angst...But still, I really like the stuff I put in this .
> 
> This fic is also available in Chinese! You can read it on [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4289007) or [movietvslash](http://www.movietvslash.com/thread-171754-1-1.html)~

_Love textbooks, Love Reference Guides.  
Since I can’t get anywhere with you, I may as well read them._

Deadpool sighed and stretched. He squirmed on his bed, staring up at the dirty ceiling. He sighed again.  
[Maybe we should visit him?] one of the boxes said.  
<This is pathetic> the other one agreed.   
Deadpool rolled over onto his stomach and pulled a pillow over his head. ‘He doesn’t want to see me.’  
[That is true]  
<Especially since we found out his identity>  
Yeah that had been a bit of a game-changer. He had tried to explain that he didn’t care about Spidey’s real identity, even if he was gorgeous and beautiful and way younger than he thought he’d be. By his estimates, Spidey must have been in high school when they met, a weird thought.  
[He’s legal now]  
‘Yeah he is.’ Deadpool mused. Spidey’s hazel eyes came to mind and Deadpool flipped back on to his back. Prettyprettypretty.  
Anyway, since then, Spidey had been avoiding him more than usual, which was totally unfair. He hadn’t _done_ anything. It’s not his fault he found out Spidey’s identity.  
He made a desolate noise and rolled off the bed, hitting the floor with a thunk.  
<We should do something to cheer us up>  
[Like what?]  
<What everyone does. Shop.>  
Wade raised his head.  
That could work. _  
  
  
~~~~~  
  
  
The sky is rife with the scent of winter  
I’m pretty sure my wanting to be with you is the fault of the season_

Wade breathed out into the cold air, and hugged his chest.  
“There, now I look like the main character in a romantic comedy.” He said to himself, pulling at his scarf and sticking his gloved hands in his pockets.  
He began to hum the theme to Titanic under his breath as he joined the crowds, which, as always, was heading towards the commercial part of town.  
If he was a philosopher, he might have considered how the world ran, how the crowds always converged on food and frilly things, creatures of luxury that they were. But he was Deadpool, so he ignored deeper thoughts and focused on the smell of food and coffee.  
Coffee~ That would be nice. Not quite as nice as booze… But he was playing the rom com scene, so coffee it was.  
He continued to hum as he crossed the street and ordered himself a drink and a caramel slice from a cafe, sitting by the window, and tried to remember all the romantic comedies he’d seen. He finished his food.  
Next up…. Shopping montage.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
It was funny how quickly the shop assistants’ mood changed from sceptical to welcoming after he flashed a few credit cards around.  
Three hours later, and a few thousand dollars down, Deadpool strode back on the street, happily waving around his ten shopping bags and ignoring the looks from the crowd.  
‘Day well spent!’ he told the boxes.  
[Agreed]  
He began humming again, then froze.  
On the other side of the road…Was that…Spidey?  
Their eyes met and the boy froze.  
A second passed.  
Then fear.  
He could see it cloud Spidey’s eyes, and the boy wrapped his arm around the girl he was with protectively.  
Deadpool coughed, then walked away. 

_  
~~~~~  
  
  
I didn’t even ask for this…life can be so unkind  
Suddenly remembering that night when stars filled the sky_

  
Deadpool was hiding under his bed.  
[You can’t stay here forever]  
‘Yes I can.’ Deadpool pointed out.  
[It’ll be boring]  
‘Shopping was a horrible idea.’  
[… Yes.]  
He squeezed his eyes shut. ‘He hates me.’  
<Everyone hate you.>  
‘He _really_ hates me.’ Deadpool moaned.  
< _Everybody -_ forget it, we can’t talk to you while you’re in this mood.>  
There was a silence.  
“Even the voices in my head hate me.” Deadpool said aloud.  
He crawled out from the bed. “Gun. Gun. Where’s my gun?” He grabbed the closest one and cocked it.  
[You just cleaned up]  
‘I thought you’d left.’  
There was no reply. Deadpool sighed. The voice was right.  
He crossed the room and pulled himself out of the window and onto the roof. He sighed as he surveyed the city.  
“Hey.” A voice said behind him.  
Deadpool cursed and almost fell off the building. “Spiderman!”  
Spiderman gave him an awkward wave. “Uh, hi.”  
Deadpool blinked. “Glad to see you!” he said in a falsely happy voice. “The show’s just about to begin.” He waved the gun around. “Head or chest?”  
Spidey’s mask twisted in annoyance. “Neither.”  
“Ooh, legs, nice choice, it’ll take a while to bleed out and everything, but less organs that way.”  
“I’m not here to watch you shoot yourself, Wade.”  
Deadpool blinked. “Then why _are_ you here?”  
Spiderman sighed and sat next to him. “I wanted to say sorry.”  
“Sorry?” Wade was still faking innocence in that overly-joyous voice. “For what?”  
“For earlier,” Spidey replied in a tone that meant that he wasn’t in the mood for games.  
“Oh that,” Deadpool waved his hand. “It’s fine. It’s like the voices say. Everybody hates me.”  
“I don’t … hate you.” Spidey said in an exasperated voice.  
Deadpool perked up and leant over. “Ooh~. Is that a confession of love? Let’s run away together Spidey.” Even though his tone hadn’t changed, he actually did feel better. Lighter. Happy.  
“You and me.” He continued, with real warmth. “Bonnie and Clyde. Thelma and Louise-”  
“You do realise they all die at the end, right?”  
“That’s what makes it fun!”  
Spidey let out an exasperated sigh. “Glad to see you’re feeling better.”  
“Well, after such a touching confession of your undying love…”  
“Sure.” Spidey replied, standing up. “Don’t shoot yourself okay?”  
“Anything for you my love!”  
Spiderman didn’t reply, instead shooting his web across to the building opposite and jumping off, heading into the traffic.  
“He doesn’t hate me,” Deadpool said dreamily.  


_~~~_

_  
I won’t be fooled by all this!  
Love you? No!  
There’s no reason to say it, right? None at all.  
  
_

[This is a bit of a problem]  
<You can say that again>  
Deadpool gazed at Spidey. No… _Peter._  
He knew his name now. It had been two weeks since that day on the roof of his apartment, and here he was on another building, following Spidey around. It was amazing what you could learn from two weeks of-  
<stalking?>  
From the ground, Peter looked up and caught his gaze and frowned, then waved.  
Deadpool waved back. ‘Is it stalking if the person knows you’re there?’  
<Probably>  
[Definitely]  
Wade made a noise in the back of his throat. ‘I don’t need your permission.’  
[Of course not]  
Wade blinked. ‘Hey where did Peter go?’ He pulled himself onto his knees.  
[Perhaps he got sick of you following him?]  
‘Who could get sick of me? I’m wonderful.’  
“Sure you are.”  
“Peter!” he perked up and rolled over onto his back. He looked between the street and his masked friend. “How do you keep doing that?”  
<Teleporter>  
[Plot convenience]  
Ah, plot convenience.  
Spidey crossed his arms. “Should I be worried?”  
“Probably? What about?”  
“You following me.”  
<[Stalking]>  
“Shh!” He blinked. “Um.” He thought about it.  
Peter made an impatient noise. “Don’t you have people to be killing?”  
Wade shook his head. “Nope.”  
Peter sighed and walked over to sit next to him, one leg hanging over the building. “ _Wade,”_ he began condescendingly. “You can’t just stalk people.”  
<Told ya>  
_  
Share the load already! This love is freaking heavy!  
Too heavy to keep holding onto it all alone!_

“I know that.” Wade said, ignoring the voice.  
Peter gave him a look. “Do you?”  
Wade nodded. “But…” he asked, with the air of a university professor about to challenge his students with a mind-boggling equation, “is it stalking when the other person is aware that they’re being stalked.”  
“Yes.” Peter replied flatly.  
The voices laughed and Wade scowled under his mask.  
“Fine, I’m stalking you,” he snapped.  
Peter just blinked at him.  
_  
Let’s go half and half on these feelings that make my heart race  
It won’t do for it to just be anybody  
  
_ Wade didn’t say anything either and there was an uncomfortable silence.  
“Well…” Peter said finally. “Stop it.”  
Wade pulled a face. “But Spi-dey,”  
The other man sighed.  
Wade continued as if uninterrupted. “I won’t get to see you otherwise.”  
Peter ran a hand through his hair. “So if I…. agree…to see you sometimes – not a date,” he added quickly. “On purpose, would you stop stalking me?”  
_  
I want to become more than friends  
Whether you push or pull I won’t be swayed!  
  
_

Wade blinked twice. And blinked again. “Uh…” He shook his head. “Can you say that again?”  
“Let’s meet up sometime,” Peter said concisely. “So you don’t have to follow me.”  
Wade put a hand over his mouth. He tried to think. He really really really did.  
But everything had sort of gone…. Zzzt.  
“Ok.” He finally said weakly.  
Peter nodded and gave him a when and where, which Deadpool agreed to without even a pun or an innuendo.  
_  
Just supposing here, what if you were to fall in love with me?  
Even if you gotta make an exception, the answer should be easy! Right?  
“Love” really is a sickness!  
  
  
_ ~~~~ _  
  
_

Wade was having a crisis.  
Peter had said to go casual.  
What the hell did that mean?  
He pulled out a dress. “Would this be casual?” He asked the boxes.  
[<No>] they replied in sync.  
He made a noise and threw it away. He sighed and sat on the floor.  
“Why can’t I wear my costume?” he asked the roof.  
<Because then everyone would see Peter and Deadpool together, and started connecting the dots>  
He made a noise. “Seeing Peter with a scarred freak isn’t going to be any better.” He replied, wrapping his arms around his legs.  
_  
My love schemes don’t go well  
Having started to make these kind of efforts…it’s pretty shocking right?  
Under the fall sky, when the feelings in a girl’s heart come to change  
  
_ [Just wear a hoodie]  
Deadpool tutted and stood up with a heavy heart. “I’m going to screw this up.”  
There was no reply. _  
  
_

_~~~  
  
_

_If I don’t look back over my shoulder I’ll wind up regretting things  
  
_ “Wade.” Peter said, strolling up to the café with a girl on his arm.  
Wade blinked twice, pulling at his hoodie to make sure his face was covered. “Hey.” He looked at the girl.  
Peter blinked self-consciously. “Um, this is Mary Jane. She decided to walk me here.”  
MJ nodded. “Well, we need to look after our Peter. And I had to check out his date,” she said with a sly smile at him.  
Peter flushed and opened his mouth, but before he could, Wade blurted out, “It’s not a date!”  
The two of them gave him matching looks of surprise.  
_  
You are getting praised by someone  
I selfishly feel happy about it but,  
As for that ‘someone’,  
If it’s a girl…well then there’ll be mixed feelings…  
  
_ “Um,” Deadpool said, pulling at his hoodie. He was all over the place, he realised with disgust. “At least,” he added in his fake-happy tone, “that’s what Petey keeps telling me.”  
Peter nodded dumbly. “Yeah.” He looked at MJ. “Yeah. Um. I’ll see you then,” he said.  
She gave Wade another frown and kissed Spidey on the cheek gently. “See you later Tiger,” she said, before walking off.  
Wade watched her walk away, full with jealousy.  


_Share the load already! This love is bitter all on my own!  
It’s all so bitter I can’t drink it down  
  
_ Peter was still watching Wade curiously.  
Wade looked at the café. “Shall we?”  
Peter nodded. _  
  
  
~~~_

_  
Let’s go half and half on the painful throbbing of my heart as well  
There’s no medicine effective against this ache  
  
_ Even after Peter and Wade were seated, Peter was still regarding him oddly.  
Wade gave him a fake smile, despite the fact Peter couldn’t see it.  
“So..”  
Peter frowned at him. “Are you okay? You seem… weird. Weird in a different way than usual. Ever since…”  
Wade blinked and thought back. “Since you said you didn’t hate me.” He realised slowly. _  
_ Peter nodded.  
Wade made a noise. No one had ever said anything like that to him before. It was…  
[Romantic?]  
Sure.

_I want to make off with the two halves of ‘lo-ve’  
Not really hoping for anything special beyond that  
  
_ Peter looked him over. “So, are you? Okay, I mean.”  
Wade frowned. “I don’t know.”  
“Right.” He was looking at Wade as if he was afraid he would explode. Which had happened once or twice, so it wasn’t that odd.  
Wade shook his head. “Mary Jane?” he asked, changing the topic.  
Peter flushed. “A friend.”  
“Girlfriend?”  
“No.”  
“Hmm,” he leant forward, trying to gaze into Peter’s eyes.  
Peter blinked in surprise, and Wade realised he had gotten close enough for Peter to see his scars. Wade pulled back quickly, pulling at his clothes again.  
Peter frowned and looked away.  
An employee came over and gave them their food, and the two men began eating in silence.  
Does this really beat stalking? He wondered.  
[You should never meet your heroes]  
True, he supposed.  


_Suppose you fell head over heels for me starting today?  
Come on! Sometimes you gotta let your imagination run wild! Right?  
“Love” really is a sickness!_

[I wonder why Mary Jane thought you were his date?]  
Wade frowned, and relayed the question.  
Peter blinked and flushed. “Um…”  
Wade blinked back and his voice took on his teasing tone. “Oh Peter~,” he began. “Having you been spreading lies?”  
Peter scowled at him. “No.”  
“So is this a date?”  
“No.” Peter said quickly.  
Hmm. “Do you often date unstable mercenaries?”  
Peter rolled his eyes. “Sure, I’m meeting Taskmaster after this.”  
Wade nodded thoughtfully. “I hear he’s actually attractive under his mask. And,” he leant in secretively. “Between you and me, in the fights we’ve had, I’ve ended up pushed against certain parts of his anatomy and let me tell you, well-endowed is not an exag-”  
Peter put up a hand. “Stop please.” He pulled a face. “I really don’t want to think about that the next time I’m fighting him.”  
Wade smiled. “It is a _very_ distracting thought,” he admitted.  
Peter grinned back. “Of course, that doesn’t matter with you. You can just heal.”  
“It does make sex last longer,” Wade confirmed.  
Peter sighed. “That wasn’t what I was talking about.” He shot him a curious look. “But seriously?”  
Wade shrugged. “That’s what I’ve been told.” There was a pause. “Wanna test it out?”  
Peter rolled his eyes again. “Maybe some other time.”  
“Well, if Taskmaster cancels on you, let me know.”  
The rest of their lunch passed nicely.  
_  
  
~~~~  
  
  
_

_I’ve heard one-sided crushes are fun but that’s a lie,  
it’s just painful and full of tears  
But when I realised this was love I felt really happy  
  
_ Wade was happy. Why was he happy? He wasn’t quite sure about that, but he was enjoying life. He hummed to himself, sitting on the roof of his building and sharpening his swords.  
He ran his finger across the blade, nodding to himself as it cut through his glove and made him bleed.  
“Is that sanitary?” asked a voice behind him.  
“Probably not,” Deadpool responded as Spider-man sat down next to him. He smiled at him from under his mask. “What’s up Spidey?”  
Spider-man shrugged and picked up one of the swords. “Waiting for something bad to happen.”  
“I’m busy now, but if you want me to blow something up later…”  
Wade could tell Spidey was rolling his eyes. “Thanks but no thanks.”  
“Someone sounds grumpy, did Taskmaster stand you up?”  
Peter put down the sword with a sigh that clearly said that he was sorry that he’d ever made that joke.  
Deadpool grinned to himself and put aside the sword he was holding.  
“That bastard. Shall we have a sleepover? We can talk about cute guys and play truth or dare.”  
“I’m pretty sure that’s not how a sleepover with you would go.”  
Deadpool considered that. “There’d be a lot more sex,” he admitted.  
Peter didn’t say anything and Wade perked up.  
“You’re considering it aren’t you?!” he gushed. “Don’t worry Petey, I’ll treat you right,” he said, leaning in close.  
Peter pushed him away gently. “Whatever.”  
That wasn’t a rejection.  
“Anyway,” Peter said, “when did you want to meet up again?”  
Wade was stunned. “You want to…hang out again?”  
Spidey’s mask scrunched up as he pulled a face. “That’s what I said.”  
Wade blinked a few times. “Really?”  
“Yes?”  
“Oh.” Wade hadn’t been expecting that. He’d thought it was a one-time thing, that Peter wouldn’t want to talk to him outside of work, much less do another lunch.  
Peter tilted his head. “So…?”  
“Sure!” Wade said, jumping to his feet. “Same time, same place?”  
Peter looked up at him, amused. “Okay.”  
Wade collected his swords and looked at Peter nervously. “Want to come inside?”  
Peter hesitated. “Sure.”  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Peter picked up an empty pizza box with a disgusted expression, his mask discarded on the bench.  
“You know, this is what I imagine a twenty year old college student apartment looked like.”  
Wade waved his hand, stashing his swords away. “That’s what I was going for.” He sat on the bed, his stomach churning in what he imagined a high-school girl in movies felt like. “Help yourself to anything in the fridge.”  
Peter slid over to it, opening it up. “…”  
“Anything good?” Wade asked curiously.  
“…No.” he said in a peculiar tone.  
Wade blinked and didn’t say anything. Peter sighed and took out a beer, tossing one to Wade and opening his own, collapsing into a stray desk chair.  
Wade looked at the beer with a frown, touching the bottom of his mask and feeling the small scars through the fabric. He noticed Peter staring and put aside the drink. “Later,” he said.  
Peter’s face twitched. “Why…” Then he looked away. “Never mind.”  
Wade’s hand had moved back to his face. He pursued his lips.  
‘It’s only fair.’  
<Make sure the window’s open for when he runs away screaming.>  
He checked the window. It was still open. He nodded to himself.  
“You want to see my face?” Wade offered.  
Peter’s face darted up. “Yes,” he blurted out. Then he flushed. “I mean…sure.”  
Wade smiled. “It’s not pretty,” he warned.  
Peter nodded.  
Wade’s hands hesitated over the mask. Then he took a breath and pulled it off. No going back now. The mask came off.  
Wade had closed his eyes and was holding his breath.  
Peter didn’t say anything, so Wade reluctantly opened his eyes.  
Peter was looking at him, but… it wasn’t with disgust. Wade was pretty sure of that. He’d seen disgust before. And hatred, fear…  
Peter just looked interested.  
“Hmm,” Peter said finally.  
  
_Share the load already! This love is freaking heavy!  
Too heavy to keep holding onto it all alone!  
Let’s go half and half on these feelings that make my heart race  
  
_ Wade was waiting for the smart-alec remarks, or for perhaps Spidey to get over what must be shock and run screaming.  
Instead Peter just took another sip of his beer.  
Wade blinked and opened his own beer, still waiting.  
“How…” Peter began. “How did you…” he waved his hand. “If that’s not too personal,” he added quickly.  
“The same way I got my healing factor,” Wade said and quickly outlined how it happened.  
Peter listened patiently. “Oh.” He said when the story was finished.  
Wade gave him a half-smile and Peter flushed.  


_If it’s not something special then it’s no good!  
I want to become more than friends  
Whether you push or pull I won’t be swayed!  
  
_

“Well, it’s good to have a face to put to the name. I was beginning to think the mask was welded to you.”  
“It happened once,” Wade said solemnly.  
Peter opened his mouth to reply, then shut it again. “Okay,” he said.  
Wade scratched as his face idly. He felt naked without his mask, and not in the good way.  
Wade looked him over. “Since we’re swapping stories,” he gestured to Peter, “How did you…?”  
Peter looked down and registered the costume. “Oh, it’s a long story.”  
Wade waved a hand. “I’ve got time.”  
Peter smiled at him and looked at the beer. “Well…okay.”  
Spidey then began the tale of how he had gotten his powers.  
After he had finished, Wade commented, “It’s not quite as good as my story, is it?”  
Peter’s mouth dropped open. “What?”  
“I mean, my origin story is much more interesting.”  
Peter shook his head. “Unbelievable.”  
“And my powers are cooler too,” Deadpool continued.  
Peter gave him a sceptical look. “Seriously?”  
Deadpool nodded.  
Peter started talking, then cut himself off with a sigh. “Fine.”  
Wade nodded again. “It’s hard to argue against the truth.”  
Peter shook his head, standing up and tipping what was left of his beer on Wade’s head. Wade spluttered in response and pulled Peter onto the bed.  
Peter blushed as Wade leant over him.  
“See I didn’t even need my powers to subdue you.”  
Peter’s eyes followed Wade’s scars and Wade pulled away.  
Peter sat up and ruffled his hair. “I should probably go.”  
Wade nodded. _  
  
Suppose you started to love me more than anyone else in the world?  
I’ll show you I can be your ideal kind of girl!_

“Uh,” Peter said. He leant close to Wade. “So, I might not get another chance…” and then he leant in and pressed his lips against Wade’s.  
Wade’s brain shorted out and he moved into the kiss. After a few seconds they parted.  
“Same time, same place, right?” Peter asked.  
Wade nodded dumbly.  
Peter nodded, collecting his mask and jumping out the window. A few seconds later a blurred red figure swung past.  
Wade leant against the wall.  
<That was unexpected>  
Wade sighed happily. _  
  
“Love” really is a sickness!_

**Author's Note:**

> Was this okay? I'm not sure...
> 
> [I have a tumblr for prompts and stuff](http://crimesofadeadpool.tumblr.com/)


End file.
